Josh from Drake & Josh,
I am sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but you are not a sexy football player and you are not a rugged action star. You are a funny fat guy from Drake & Josh and you are at your best when you are falling into baby pools with a substance other than water in them.
I understand that this may be frustrating for you, but rest assured it is much more frustrating for me to have to reconcile these two separate facets of your career / identity.
Best,
Ryan